Debilitation
Since being shocked by the VW ad last night, I have been in something of a state that has grown progressively more debilitating all day. This morning my husband tried to make love to me, but my orgasm was no release. Like a viper uncurling from its nest, the firing of those muscles unleashed a strike of terror that began a chain reaction in me: anxiety, racing heartbeat, constricted breathing, uncontrollable crying, shaking, rocking.Hell of a way to start the day. Thank you, VW.
I managed to get some marginal control over myself after a while, but then I had an appointment with Dr. Steege to discuss my upcoming surgery and I was anxious about a possible pelvic exam. I didn't get one, but all day after, my nervous system has been firing and firing and firing. My head is pounding from nervous exhaustion and adrenaline that isn't being used for anything. My eyes hurt. My neck is sore. My stomach is full of acid. And I can't get that fucking commercial out of my head.
Living at this level of anxiety, with all my nerves on high alert, is impossible to sustain for very long. I need to call my shrink, but I'm afraid I'll end up back on nefazodone (Serzone) or some other SSRI. Nefazodone damps down the neurons. It's as effective as a nuclear bomb at stopping that response cold. The last time I was on it, though, I gained 40 pounds, a fatty liver and high blood pressure. That being said, the alternative -- the inability to shut down my nervous system to a manageable level -- might be worse. When I get tuned up like this, I can jump at every shadow. On the way home from work tonight, a Corolla pulled out in front of us as we were changing lanes. I think my heart stopped as I grabbed the God-almighty bar and tensed up like all hell was about to break loose. Now my back is aching.
All of these physical reactions are torturous. They make me want to rock myself into a coma after I drink half a bottle of Stoli. Or shoot myself in the head.
Technorati tags: Ad, ptsd, vw
posted by mktackabery @ 19:44
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